I have never really been a big fan of blogging life events online, but I have come to the realization that this may be good therapy. So here I will blog and you can choose to skim, read, or just look at pictures when I post :) I’ll try to keep the blogs short, but at the same time let you guys in the loop of our lives. In the past few months, I have realized how much I’ve wanted to share with so many people but haven’t had the chance or time to call each and every one of you.
I will start with the story that brings Shad and I together. I’ll keep it short and sweet and spare you most of the details since most of you probably already know. We met in Ann Arbor, Michigan playing softball in 2005. We dated for a while, got engaged, and got married in April of 2008. We’ve been married for two years and some change and now live in Indianapolis, Indiana. Our lives have changed so much since day 1, and we’re thankful for every moment, every opportunity, and everyday.
At the beginning of 2010 we decided that our family of two needed a little company in the form a baby! A little baby Sperle! So we tried. Who knew that trying to get pregnant would actually be harder than trying NOT to get pregnant? Seven months later (which felt like forever!), I peed on a stick and in seconds I felt every emotion known to man. I took one look at Shad who was smiling from ear to ear and I knew nothing else in the world mattered other than keeping this little growing baby safe and sound for nine months.
So begins our pregnancy! I felt great for the first six weeks. I even ran some good distances and felt better than I had before. Then at week seven, the morning sickness came. And it was awful. I tried to deny it for a while, but some mornings I would wake up and I would just puke out of nowhere. Pregnancy was so weird to me. I was tired all the time and I would go through ups and downs throughout the day of feeling great then feeling absolutely awful. I felt like an alien! Ha, ha! But it was so much fun to share this kind of news, I didn’t care how I felt! We were so excited! We told our immediate family members and closest friends at six weeks and decided to wait until our first ultrasound to let everyone else know.
At eight and a half weeks, we got to see our little monkey! Our little monkey actually looked like a little baby! It was an incredible feeling to see the little heart beating so fast. It was the BEST feeling to know that it was real. And if you’ve never been amazed by anything, seeing your little one on an ultrasound screen will leave you smiling, speechless, thankful, and extremely blessed. We both fell in love with that little thing in seconds. We told the world.
I continued to feel like a crazy pregnant lady and my pants were starting to get tight. Ugh. But it was okay-it meant baby was growing. I was working a lot, but not feeling too drained. I gave into all ALL my cravings and Shad supported every bit of it. I sent him out for fried pickles, a second burrito from Taco Bell, ice cream, salad from Olive Garden and only Olive Garden, BW’s, etc. you name it, I probably ate it.
Somewhere around the 10th week the morning sickness was subsiding and I was regaining a sense of normalcy. I was hoping to be part of the percentage that only had morning sickness in the 1st trimester. YESSSS! I felt better! I started to run again, I could stay up later, I could get ready in the morning without puking, I could eat at normal times, YESSSS!
Twelve and a half weeks. We had a routine check up with Dr. Crane for our little monkey. Dr. Crane wanted us to hear the heartbeat with the doppler, so she tried to find the little guy with it. She explained that sometimes they are hard to find when it’s that early in pregnancy. No worries, we went to get an ultrasound down the hall. The ultrasound tells all. Monkey was much bigger than when we saw last, but monkey’s heart was not beating like it was before. The picture was still and the picture was dark.
I can count the number of times my husband has cried in all the time we’ve been together. The tears were only a fraction of the emotion we were experiencing. I can tell you that nothing in the whole world compares to the heartache that began that day. At twelve and a half weeks, the baby was only measuring about ten weeks. In retrospect, that is about the time I started to feel better. Other than feeling better, I had no other symptoms telling me something was wrong.
I went in for a D&C the next day at the Indiana Surgery Center, probably one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I made the whole OR cry, I made my Pre-Op nurses cry, I made Dr. Crane cry. I have cried my eyes out. For the past month, I have cried almost every day. I want to be a mother. I want to make my husband a father. I want to raise children with him. I want to give them a good life with loving parents. I want to teach them, and I want to let them learn. I want to show them what this world has to offer, and I want to offer this world to them.
Nothing anyone said made anything better. I know we’re not alone and probably share this experience with a ton of other people. Sadly, this happens all the time, but it still doesn’t make it easier. We think about this everyday and wonder if we’re meant to be parents. We were excited to share the good news with all of you, but didn’t let all of you in on the last few weeks. So here it is. . .a healing process in progress. . some days are better than others. . .and we are still thankful for the many things that we have.
Hopefully future posts will not be as sad, but I felt like sharing would be easier than explaining individually. Like I said before, it might be good therapy so I'll give it a go for a few months :)We will keep you guys posted!
P.S. Hope you all had a great Halloween weekend! Maggie was a turtle this year.
